Wintertime In My Home Town...

As the snow falls and the year comes to an end, I find myself in a city full of people I no longer recognize. After high school everyone went their separate ways and ended up in different schools in different cities studying different programs. Most of them I never want to talk to again. So I don't.

But now that everyone is home for the holidays, I am constantly running into or passing by those people that I have tried so very hard to avoid. I've never been one for small talk so I'm consistently faced with uncomfortable situations full of awkward pauses and discussions about how I am liking school and whether or not I had a good Christmas.
This mind-numbing chitchat forces me to barricade myself in my home. So I have been spending my time sketching, reading and playing Scrabble with my mother. Which, in itself, is a lot more fun than it might sound.

So now, as I take down the Christmas decorations and prepare to welcome a brand new year, I can't help but begin to want for residence.

Now don't get me wrong, I am fully enjoying the whole no residence food, no RA, no throng of screaming, ditzy 17 year-olds, no death smell in the hallway, no jail-sized dorm room, no dirty bathroom stalls way of life I have going on here...

It's just that I miss my friends. I miss being able to leave my room and talk to anyone I choose face-to-face. I miss having a scheduled day. I miss having to be at a specific place at a specific time. I miss being able to arrange my time to be spent with people I find to be of consequence. Those people who don't have to try for the meaningless chitchat, but rather are able to have cohesive conversations. Those who know something about me, share an inside joke with me or at least have some knowledge or valuable opinion on a topic that I am interested in.

I just keep reminding myself: 5 more days. I can make it for 5 more days. And in 6 or 7 days I know that I will be wishing I were back at home.

10 Places I Want To Travel To...

1. Greece
2. Australia
3. France
4. Ireland
5. Italy (I've been before, but want to go back!)
6. Venezuela
7. Morocco
8. Hawaii
9. Alaska

10 Favourite Childhood Books...

1. The Monster at the End of This Book by Jon Stone
2. Heckedy Peg by Audrey Wood
3. The Cricket in Times Square by George Selden
4. Half Magic by Edward Eager
5. Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans
6. Frog and Toad (series) by Arnold Lobel
7. Silver Blades (series) by Melissa Lowell
8. The Secret Language by Ursula Nordstrom
9. The Amazine Bone by William Steig
10. Ramona Quimby, Age 8 by Beverly Cleary

Oh, It's On...

As a self-proclaimed Bookworm, I have a lot to live up to. Everyone around me knows that I eat, sleep, dream, and breathe books.

So why is it that when I look through my friends' lists of books, there are so many I have never read and even more that I've never heard of? And how come some of my friends who aren't really even into reading have lists almost as long as my own?

This is upsetting. I've really been slacking in my mass book consumptions. Stupid school getting in the way of my precious reading time! I wish I didn't have to spent hours upon hours in front of a computer doing homework when I could have my nose in a book!

I suppose that is what Christmas break is for. I've got a stack of 6 books lined up so far... which should last me the first week and a bit.

I would really like to get into the classics as well as take on one author and see if I can complete their entire collection. (Not all during the Christmas break, mind you)

And during all of this reading, I am also planning to continue work on my book... so that I can start to compile my own collection.

Sounds crazy right? Dare to dream, my friend.

Just Keeps Getting Worse...

If I bite my tongue any longer it is going to fall off.

It kills me to sit here while I watch people around me make stupid mistakes.

And it's not as if it is one person in particular... so many people that I care about seem to be doing or saying things that could potentially be detrimental. I wish I could let these people see themselves from my perspective, just for a day. Let them see how their actions and words are affecting the people around them.

It was bad enough when it was just one or two people doing stupid things, but the numbers just seem to escalate. I wish I could write next month's horoscopes or something... warn people of the danger ahead.

I know they say hindsight is 20/20... but I'm about ready to step in...

To Say Or Not To Say...

Sometimes I feel so useless. There are so many times I wish I could stick my nose into other people's business and put in my two-cents worth. Sometimes I really wonder, if I did, would it make a difference? Could I be the one deciding factor that changes the outcome of the situation?

I wonder how much my opinion really matters to some people. Do my words ever have a lasting effect on someone? People tell me things all the time, but I can't help but wonder if they are just telling me because they need to tell someone.... anyone.... or because they truly value my opinion and advice.

I'm not the worldliest person, and while I've had my share of problems in life, there are so many things I haven't experienced yet. But I still have my opinions. I could debate pretty much anyone on pretty much anything. I know that I'm still young, but I think I can hold my own when it comes to certain topics.

I've been holding my tongue a lot lately and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I know that I'm right... and I am so strong in my beliefs... but is it my place? I don't want to get someone mad at me for getting involved in things that don't concern me.

My entire world could fall apart at any moment. What if I wait too long? What if I'm too late? And what if I say something in time, but shouldn't have... and end up making everything else worse?

Procrastination...

I am the master of procrastination. If they gave out an award, it would be mine. But I wonder... what really qualifies as procrastination?

Facebook. Facebook would have to be the deadliest method. It's so easy to spend hours on there and not even realize how much time has gone by. Suddenly, it's 3 a.m. and your assignment is now due in 5 hours. But have you started yet? Oops.

Downloading music. You remember the name of that hilarious 90's dance song that you haven't heard in years and you know you won't be able to focus on anything else until you listen to it. And, no way! They sing that song too? I love that song!

MSN. The wonderful, amazing, and beautiful contraption on the computer that allows you to chat with people from all over the globe. At any time of day. Especially when your head hurts from reading your textbook for too long. What better way to unwind then to find out what's been going on in the lives of everyone else? Even if they happen to live down the hall and you spend every other waking moment with them... ahem.

Reading. This is my big one. I love nothing more than to curl up with a good book. The problem for me is that I don't even feel guilty doing it. I have managed to convince myself that reading is a perfectly respectable way to spend my time. No matter what assignment I'm putting off at the time.

Napping. A deadly yet highly necessary habit. The deadly part is if you don't set an alarm. Missing classes, dinner, and imperative homework time can lead to your downfall. However, it can be crucial to nap. Especially if you stayed up until 3 a.m. the night before doing an assignment.

Blogging. Oh crap...

Why Do Some People...

Why do some people feel the need to say the first thing that pops into their head?

No matter how inconsiderate, hurtful or just plain mean your thoughts can be, why do some people feel the need to blurt them out? How can they possibly believe that their two-cents worth is somehow adding to the situation? I don't understand people who feel the need to ridicule others or put them down purely for the sake of conversation. Anyone who talks just to hear themselves speak should learn to keep quiet. Chances are, they'd learn a lot more just by listening.

Why do some people feel that their right to make noise supersedes another's right to quiet?

While I am guilty of listening to music with my door open, I would never continue to do so if someone told me that my music was disrupting their studying or their sleep. And I would never blast my music after quiet hours, especially around exam time. I get it... why is it that so many people missed that memo? Running screaming down a hallway at 3 o'clock in the morning isn't necessary ever. Neither is banging on the doors of people that you don't know just to see who lives there or running away as soon as they answer. And neither are Halloween decorations that scream whenever someone steps on it. Because that wouldn't be enticing to some drunken college student at all hours of the night... No, no. Let's just leave it on all night and see what happens.

Why do some people act like complete jerks to people that they barely know?

I have never understood judging a book by its cover, and I've never understood how anyone could gain an opinion of someone based on a first impression. Some of the best people I know constantly complain about how they are 'forgettable' or that they make a bad first impression. While it is understandable to feel that way, especially for those who are shy, but that doesn't make it okay to judge them or dismiss them immediately after meeting them. And I absolutely cannot fathom people who are just plain rude to someone they don't know. I'm not sure if the bullying is a warped method of flirting or what, but it doesn't make sense either way.

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm having an issue with people in general tonight. My apologies for the rant.

Residence...

Oh Residence, you are my home away from home. If you could call Residence a home. Every so often I catch myself referring to my cubicle-sized dorm room as "home." What a depressing concept.

Now don't get me wrong, there are many perks to living here. No parents, for example. The two minute walk to classes isn't too shabby either. I also managed to get on the same floor as two of the greatest girls you could ever meet. But consider this:

Of the 40-something people living on my floor, 26 of them are only 17 years old. Thankfully, unlike a certain other floor I can often be found on, they are a quiet bunch of 17 year olds. But it leaves me feeling as if maybe I am getting a little too old for the Residence lifestyle. I feel that way until I realize how many people in Residence are old enough to be my parents.

For example, there is a certain man with a certain highly entertaining name who is old enough to be my father, and yet lives on the most immature floor in the building. First of all, what could have possibly been going through the minds of the staff when they allowed a man who is in his late 40's to live in a college Residence? And secondly, what kind of man in his 40's would want to live on a floor with a bunch of 17 year olds? Certainly not one with good intentions, I presume.

Maybe the whole situation is just beyond my comprehension because I'm having trouble relating to people three years younger than me. Living with a bunch of kids 20 years younger than me would feel an awful lot like babysitting. Not exactly the ideal living situation.

Pay Attention To Me...

Self-worth is a something to consider. What makes us feel that we are good enough? When is anything ever good enough? We need to take the time to sort out how we are feeling, what we are feeling and why we feel that way. Maybe it's a grade on a paper, achieving a goal, or maybe its getting attention from the one person we need attention from that makes us feel good about ourselves.
Getting attention is another thing to consider. Why do we crave it so much? What is it about the approval of others that satisfies us? For myself, I cannot be alone. My strongest desire in life is attention from others. Not to say that I'm running around, waving my arms, and screaming "Look at me! Look at me!" Not so much. Rather, I simply need people around me in order to feel good about myself. But not just anyone will do. I do not wish to have large amounts of 'friends.' Instead I crave the more intimate relationships. I would rather have a small handful of best friends than a roomful of acquaintances.
But what I want to know is why it is that we can't be alone. I want to know why we need to have that second opinion, that person by our side in order to be content in life. Why are we so afraid of ourselves that we will do whatever it takes to keep from being alone?

That's What Friends Are For...

Friends are a funny thing. Everyone has at least one person in their life that they can confide everything in. Some people are lucky enough to have large groups of people in which they can share their intimate details and stories with.

Sometimes friendships turn out badly. There could be a fight, a misunderstanding, or simply lack of trying. Moving away, making new friends, being busy with other aspects of life can all be factors in friendships going sour. The worst way for a friendship to end is "breaking-up." But sometimes, it's the only way to go. Things can build up, issues are not discussed, you begin to overanalyze things said or done, start testing that person's loyalty, try out new friends, or simply just stop calling. Eventually one of you will get fed up enough to end it once and for all. The worst is when it is unexpected. This is the fault of the one who didn't bring it up when things first started to go badly. Often, it's for the best. Eventually you both realize that neither of you were gaining anything from the relationship, and will indeed become better, stronger people on your own.

Friendships, to me, are nothing to be taken lightly. My friends are my family, just as my family members are my friends. I tend to share everything with everyone. Which is probably why I find it so difficult to understand people who prefer to keep everything to themselves. I absolutely have a respect for people who don't go around telling everyone everything, and I have even more respect for people who can truly keep a secret. However I have come across people who will not tell you anything about them unless you drag it out of them to the point where it almost becomes painful.

I am one of those people who like to be kept in the know. I tell my friends seemingly meaningless details about my day because I want them to know that I am not keeping anything from them. I am an open book to the people I love, which is how I like it, because when I need advice or someone who understands, I know that there are people out there who know exactly what it is that I need. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the people around me that I do. I strive to keep positive, intelligent, mature people around me who actually like me for who I am.

In return, I love my friends for who they are. I adore their quirks, their faults, the little things that separate them from everyone else. I hope I have managed to become a person who can be trusted and confided in. I am definitely equipped with my own personal set of quirks, experiences and faults, but I do not feel that they have held me back in any way. On the contrary, I feel that if I were just like everyone else, I would become boring. Obsolete. A "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" type of person. I am who I am, and people need to accept that. Thankfully, there are people who have, and I love them for it.

Obsessions

There are routines that we all have. Daily, constant obsessions that we must indulge in order to feel normal. A sort of OCD for the everyman. Everywoman. Everyone, I suppose. Perhaps a need to be politically correct all the time? Some make their obsessions a tactile thing. Get up, check Facebook, check Voicemail, feel attached to the outside world. For others, it becomes an inner thing. Set an alarm, count steps, count brush strokes, feel a sense of personal peace.

These obsessions are not wrong. They are routine. They help us feel normal. But where do they come from? Watching our parents obsess and fixate I suppose. Or maybe it is from society messing with our minds to the point that all we can do to feel ordinary is control the little things. One last pathetic attempt to govern ourselves. It is amazing the power and overwhelming tranquility we can feel when our DVD collection is in alphabetical order, or every clock in the house is set to the exact time, down to the second. It helps us to sleep at night. Otherwise, we stay awake, obsessing about the little things. The things we believe we can control, and yet have not figured out how.

Maybe we obsess about obsessions. Maybe it is the very act of compulsion that keeps us moving forward in life. Maybe it is our goal to become neurotic, overbearing, and exactly like everyone else.

Can't Help But Wonder...

The discussion tonight came upon the topic of Can Guys and Girls Really Just Be Friends?

To me, this is an interesting debate which truly can only be held within mixed company. For girls, the answer is almost unanimously yes. For guys, it varies. Some guys believe that their platonic girlfriends are just that. Most, I find, will admit to harbouring secret feelings for their pal of the opposite sex.

I have accepted that the majority of guys do, in fact, wish to be more-than-friends. This knowledge comes in handy when meeting people. The underlying sexual tension can sometimes be used to one's advantage. On the other hand, sometimes girls just need a protector who doesn't secretly wish to be with them. It can be incredibly disappointing later on, when one admits to their true feelings, only to discover that the other person was completely oblivious and does not feel the same.

I have also heard the claim that guys and girls can just be friends as long as each are in a relationship. While it's true that this makes them off-limits to the other, does it not also add a certain dangerousness that some could find enticing? Maybe I've just watched one too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but it seems that a lot of people want what they can't have.

I'm not sure where the truth behind it all lies... but I can't help but wonder.

It's About Time...

I admit I have been somewhat late in producing this post. Welcome to real life; time is no longer my own. School may be the death of me yet. I am having a blast, but at the same time, it's no easy ride. But that's how it is supposed to be, I guess. If it was too easy, I would be bored. I have always said that I work well under pressure, and everyone seems to be testing this theory. But I shall prevail! I have to. Failure is simply not an option.

I am waiting, with bated breath, to see my article published in the school paper. Well, mine and Meagan's. Our editors had a slightly brainless moment and assigned Meagan and me the same story. But I truly believe that seeing my name printed in the paper will be the motivation I need to continue.

Tonight I think I will be lazy. After I work on my article, take my photos, do my readings for tomorrow, finish my homework and clean my room, that is. As I was saying, welcome to real life.

Last 1/2 Hour of Being 19...

So my 20th birthday is in 20 minutes. Hurray. I can finally leave the 'teenager' stage! And for the only time (for the next 10 years) I will have caught up with my siblings. This year, we will all be in our 20's! It will last until next May when my brother turns 30 and I have to wait again.

I love my friends. The girls at work serenaded me and presented me with a really cute flower-decorated birthday hat. Amanda is taking me out tomorrow for breakfast and kayaking...and Laura is (hopefully) going out for Martinis with me tomorrow night!! And I just chatted with my Renee for a couple hours. It's amazing. We can laugh, cry, argue, joke, make sexual innuendos, and all-in-all strengthen our friendship every time we talk. It all occurs in one conversation! There is no one like her. Except maybe me. I'm a lot like her.

I am in love with Idina Menzel's music. She played Maureen in Rent, who just so happened to be my favourite character in the movie. She has two albums out that no one really knows about. I did some research, found her songs, and now I am in love. I got Renee listening to her as well. I'm trying to find her CDs somewhere because I want to support the artist rather than download her stuff for free. I recommend the songs "Here" (a more pop-ier song) or "If I Told You" (a slow but really pretty song) Download it. Learn to love it. And the major bonus: I can sing along!! It's hard to find songs that are high enough for me to really sing with.

I really need to get up the courage to take some singing lessons or something. Most people have heard me sing....but no one has ever heard me really SING. Singing is my air supply, my cigarette, my addiction. I need it. I dread going back to rez where I can't SING whenever I feel like it. Damn those thin walls.

Well...Happy Birthday to me in 10 minutes...

Tennis Match

Sadly, I have discovered that I will never make it to Wimbleton.

My sister and I went out to play tennis the other day. Now my sister just happens to be this ridiculously athletic person. (Her favourite way to pass time is to bike down ski mountains) So I figured this tennis expedition would be yet another display of my lack of athletic skills, and prove, once again, that my sister can beat me in any sport.

However, I am pleased to report that she was just as terrible at tennis as I was. For once, it was actually fun to be bad at a sport. We quickly changed the goal of tennis. Instead of trying to keep points the proper way, we decided that whoever hit the ball outside of the tennis court the most (over a high fence) would lose. I am happy to say that I won.

We were discussing how we could never make it to Wimbleton and how the Williams' sisters (my sister thought they were the Venus sisters) would never speak to us if they saw how badly we played. But then I suggested that we could make it to Wimbleton by being the underdog team that no one saw coming. But my sister determined that it wouldn't work because as soon as a professional player hit the ball at us, we would hit the ground, curl into the fetal position, use our rackets as a shield and cry, "Don't hurt me!"

Oh well. I suppose I will cross tennis pro off my list of life ambitions.

Hurray for Internet!

So on Friday, the moving van down the street knocked down our cable! Which means no television and no Internet...and the jerks said they couldn't come to fix it until Tuesday! But apparently it also took down the neighbour's phone line, and since that's more important, (Although how anything could be more important than my Internet access is beyond me) they came and fixed both lines today! I'm so happy!

Happy Canada Day! I suppose I sould be patriotic and go to Riverside Park to see the fireworks...but I could either go with my parents, or by myself. Neither option seems appealing, so I think, instead, I will stay home and watch The Family Stone. Sarah Jessica Parker, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams and Luke Wilson all rolled up into one compact movie! Got to love it!

They're Back!

And by "they" I mean the Spice Girls, of course! It is ridiculous how excited I am that they are having a reunion tour! And it is equally ridiculous how upset I am that the tour doesn't come to Canada! So, apparently I'm going to New York. I refuse to miss this event. However, I was planning on going to Nova Scotia in December...so I might have to cancel that. (Which I don't want to do...but honestly...how many times are the Spice Girls going to have a reunion tour?)

I have found a new love. I have always been a canoer, ever since I was unwillingly thrust into the position of assistant instructor and eventually became head instructor with a certification. But today, I discovered kayaking! While not only a good workout (I will be feeling my abdominal muscles in the morning) it is also something that comes easily to me. I suppose all the canoeing has something to do with it. But I don't think I will find the same passion for canoeing ever again. Besides, tandem canoeing is just so...tandem. I love the solo adventure of a kayak. It is just so much simpler and less fatiguing than solo canoeing.

Let's Try Some Motivation...

Over the past month or so, I have become apathetic in a literary sense. In other words, I've become lazy. The extent of my writing has been wall messages on Facebook. I've also been trying to read, and yet I find myself with a stack of unopened, unintruiguing novels on my desk.
Having lent out all of my personal favourites, I have taken to borrowing the so-called "must reads" that friends and family have pushed into my hands. So far, I have finished "What They Don't Know" by Mitch Albom, an interesting, yet considering Mr. Albom's past work, mildly disappointing short novel. I have definitely been interested in the more suspense-filled books, especially the Eve Duncan Forensic Thrillers written by Iris Johansen. Most of the novels on my desk, however, are murder-mysteries. Which, in my opinion, are just a step away from a particularly irritating rendition of Clue. Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Wrench.
I know I should just return the books, and search for something a little higher on my interest level, but I can't help but feel guilty that I haven't simply soared through them as I would most every other book. So as I was saying: Literary Laziness.
I am also in desperate need of some inspiration when it comes to writing. Hence the reason I have decided to break down and begin an online blog. I'm sure no one truly cares what I have to say, and even if no one reads this, I will try my best to continue writing. If not for my sanity, but at least for the sake of my grades in the fall. Without practice, I'm sure I will lose my flair for the written word. Writing is not the proverbial bike, I am afraid. So if you are reading this, I appreciate it. I hope you'll return.